your online guide to Suck, the

net's most popular rag.

Contained within, you will find

information on how to connect to

Suck, understand the Suck

interface, and how to become an

expert Suck reader. Regardless

of your current Suck knowledge

level, you should leave here

with a higher understanding of

what it is and how it works. At

this time, I'll advise you to

thoroughly read this entire

document before proceeding to

Suck. I can't be held

responsible to what might happen

if you prematurely evacuate.

If you are having more general

non-Suck troubles, this document

will not help you. There

are several excellent books at

your local bookstore on every

subject imaginable. Some popular

titles for computer or internet

troubles are Computers for

Dimwits, The Complete Idiot's

Guide to CD-ROM, TCP/IP

Networking for Toddlers, and

Using the Mouse: A Handbook for

the Totally Dysfunctional. If

you are having trouble reading,

try The Dimwits Guide to

Reading (not a real big seller)

or Monty Python's popular

Dr. Suess adaptation: Green Eggs

and Ham for Twits. If you are

having trouble seeing or

balancing, see your doctor.

Now, on to the important stuff.

Suck is a card carrying member

of what I like to call

"the new web," that part of the

web which has brought us in from

the cold, uninviting domain of

gray backgrounds and square,

poorly colored images that make

most experienced web users

want to retch. Every weekday,

the boys and girls at Suck bring

us a new article on some

aspect of the internet, neatly

packaged in a sleek, smooth

interface. That's it? The

"new web" is a newspaper

editorial in sheep's clothing?

At first glance perhaps,

but be patient. All will

be revealed below.

Before actually linking to

Suck, you must make sure you

really want to go through with

it. Suck is a little different

than everything else on the net,

and different can sometimes

scare people. Suck is sometimes

harsh, often irreverent, and

always cutting edge. Not a place

for weak souls or weak minds.

Sit down with a pen and some

paper and make a list of

the pros and cons of linking

to Suck. If the pros outweigh

the cons, read on.

Next comes a little pre-Suck

browsing, just to get your feet

wet. Visit some of the tamer

sites on the net. Start with

Yahoo, Lycos, and the Cool Site

of the Day. When you are

comfortable with those sites,

move on to the High Five Award

site and ProjectCool. Finally,

give Crisp and Word a tickle.

After hitting all these sites,

you should have a firm

foundation on which to Suck.

You're ready. Type

"http://www.suck.com" in the

document URL space or click

here and you're off and

running. Now that you're there,

what do you do?

Once you connect to Suck, you'll

notice that it consists of

three main parts: the title, the

article, and the three graphics

whose names comprise the

site's slogan: "a fish, a

barrel and a smoking gun." As

the interface you encounter

for Suck depends on which

browser you're using, these

three parts might appear in

different configurations and

with different styles. A browser

that supports tables and

server/client yanking about will

display the images in a column

on the left of the text, both

running the length of the page

with a cool title animation

featuring a period with more

Sucking power than a Hoover.

Those with table impaired

browsers will see a plain title

at the top, followed by the

text, and finished with the

three graphics in a row

at the bottom.

As the title is pretty self

explanatory, we'll move right on

to the text, which will be

explained in a bit, and the

fish, the barrel, and the

smoking gun. These three

graphics can be overwhelming

at first because the Sucksters

don't tell you how to use them,

at least not right away.

However, they turn out to be

quite simple. Clicking on the

fish will take you to the "about

Suck" page: the where, what,

why, when, and how of the site.

Here you'll find author

information, the much needed

explanation of how to use the

fish, the barrel, and the gun,

the tools used to create

Suck, and even how to apply

for a job at Suck. That's all

there is to the fish.

The barrel o' suck contains the

back issues of Suck, dating

all the way back to day one,

August 28, 1995. If you've got

some extra online hours to burn,

there are several excellent

articles to be found here, even

though many may be slightly

dated. If you miss an

issue, rest assured that

you can always come here

to find out what Sucked

during your absence.

The smoking gun is similar to

the barrel in that it contains

the Suck archives. Unlike the

barrel, the gun is not large

enough to house all the

archives; it only has enough

room for one article at a time.

Clicking on the gun will shoot

a random back issue of Suck

onto your screen, courtesy of a

CGI script. The gun is

recommended for the

adventurous web surfer only.

Now we come to the meat of the

Suck stew: the text. The

article, like most on the web,

is a hypertext document. If

you've visited the sites I

recommended above, you know what

hypertext is all about: regular

text with highlighted words or

pictures that can be clicked

upon to jump to another document

or picture that is related to

the original document. There are

two ways in which hypertext

can be read: straight through

in one go the first time around,

picking up the links on the

second pass, or by jumping to

the links as you read.

Personally, I prefer the latter

method; you get a better

understanding of what comes next

in the article if you link

while you read. A downside to

this technique is that it can

interrupt one's reading of the

original article. However you

choose to read Suck, it is

advisable to visit all of the

links presented in the article.

All are relevant to the article

and most are pretty

interesting in their own right.

Suck is cool like that: it's a

great read all by itself, plus

it links you to all sorts of

great sites you'd be hard

pressed to find anywhere else.

So, even if Suck, well, sucks,

you can still visit some

cool sites that you may not

have seen before. A real

can't-miss deal.

So there you have it. You're

now fully equipped to enjoy

Suck to the highest degree.

Thanks for visiting.

Happy Sucking.